Hi. It's 21st of March and it's the day we 95-liners receive our SPM results after three months of waiting.

The results slip were finally in our previous form teacher's hands. I was the first to take my result slip. When I first saw it...I felt nothing. Then one by one, everyone started to take their result slips too. The disappointment started to build up and tears just rolled down by themselves. What I saw on my slip was possibly the worst results I've ever gotten in my whole life. Even though there wasn't a C, a D or a fail, I felt really disappointed and angry. Angry at myself because I didn't study hard enough, studied everything on the eleventh hour. I took everything for granted. It may sound like an excuse now but I can't help feeling frustrated. I guess I have gotten big headed from my previous results. Not that I'm bragging but I pretty much always get into the top 10 in my class. Imagine my disappointment because I've missed not one, not two but FOUR As. I knew then I've made a grave mistake. One I could've avoid making. One that will cost me my future. Regrets filled my head as I faced everyone, forcing a smile upon my face. You'd never know how painful it was. But I couldn't keep up the facade. It came as too big of a shock. I felt I disappointed everyone, my family, friends and teachers. I want to take this opportunity to say how sorry I am for not being able to live up to your expectations. I'm really sorry that I didn't work hard enough. I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. Maybe you all would forgive me but I couldn't forgive myself. Don't worry though, I'm not gonna do anything stupid like commiting suicide or anything. I will engrave this mistake deeply into my heart and never let myself forget it. It will become my reason to work myself harder. To give everything my all. To not disappoint again. To never feel this way again.

Don't try to console me because I'll only cry harder. This is my own fault and I will fix it. And now, to finally face reality, what a lot people have been asking me, the revelation of my SPM results.

3A+ (English, Moral & M.Maths)
2A (BM & Sejarah)
3B+ (A.Maths, Physics & Biology)
1B (Chemistry)

Don't tell me it's good enough. It'll never be good enough for myself. It sounds cocky eh? I am a Leo after all, a Leo who's really prideful. A Leo that can't stand it when it's pride is forsaken. It may be stupid but this is how I am.

My eyes are getting really bleary from all the tears. I need a good night sleep. When I wake up, hopefully all these annoying emotions would be gone. And hopefully my mom's customers wouldn't keep asking me about my results. I might be unable to hold back my emotions and lose it. Sigh, to a better tomorrow.

PS: If there's ever any juniors who might be taking SPM or anything else who's reading this, take this bit of advice from me. Don't study at the eleventh hour. It may be okay for minor tests but SPM... Unless you're bloody rich or just bloody smart.

PPS: Thanks to all those who gave me a boost of confidence, those who cared for me, those who held me in your arms when I couldn't lift my head up high.

One last thing, don't feel sorry or even pity me because I know I could've gotten a better result. And I didn't write this post to gain anything from you readers, I just wanted to let out my feelings. There, done. Now I'm gonna go be my happy self and watch some anime or something to keep my mind busy.

Labels: disappointment, frustrations, results, SPM